A Satire on Arranged Marriages

Before going through this article, please note that I am neither the family man kind of person, nor the greedy Uncle Scruz kind of man. I am fairly different, from exploring places to reading novels to watching contemporaries to spending time alone. I do what I like and mind it, it has got to do nothing with those “You surely disrespect your parents and elders” and “You don’t know about the real world, son” type stereotype statements. That’s why, please don’t flinch on reading this and start with usual monotones like”He is selfish” or “At present he is blinded”. I only thought this (blogging) as the best option to pour my shit out.

Indian weddings, mostly arranged marriages, are known for their grandeur and elaborate nature. Pre-wedding rituals begin days before the wedding date with Roka or formal commitment of both the families towards marriage. It is followed by Sagaai (engagement), Haldi, Mehndi, Sangeet and several such customs varying from families to families.

     

Wait, did I leave out something before these wastes? Yeah, the “Choose-the-perfect-bride” ceremony of parents who have a “lovely obedient 80’s type family son” now prevalently found only in documentaries or short films. Usually this ceremony goes on for months, with their star son left out from most of the decisions. Now-a-days, I hear sons are given the final say after all the discussions and arguments. What, is the bride gonna be a shopping offer for the son? Like it, say Yes; Don’t like, say No!

                                

With the son mostly unaware, the parents dish out an image in their head and set out among their sources to find the perfect match. Well, as usual, “You don’t know about the world son, you don’t know how to judge people, let us take that big decision.(means You go to hell, WE ARE TAKING THAT DECISION!)” Then the applicant’s parents are contacted and a date is fixed for the meeting. Well, all hell breaks loose for the bride that day. Its like the biggest exam of her life.

I will tell you, one day we(all our 15-strong family members including me) set out from our village to a nearby village, for examining a prospect. It was gonna be my first real life experience of the horrifying event.

Lets directly start with the interview. The girl, apparently in a simple yet strikingly attractive saree and some age old jewels, slowly came out through the curtains. She never raised her eyes and was at her circumspect best. The questions session started. I was surprised, when my father, whom I know to be a less talkative kind, started the questions.

1. “What’s your name?”

(I guess all of us know the girl’s name before we enter the house!)

2. “What’s the meaning of your name?”

(Wait 5 years from now, then no mom would be able to tell the meaning of her name, save the daughter!)

3. Till what have you studied, and where?

(Okay, they didn’t hear me after the first question. Anyways, would a BJB Autonomous College student here score upon a New Age Science College student?)

4. Which subject did you choose and why?

(Why is this such an important question I don’t understand. We all know that 90% students choose subjects based upon their parents’ wishes, and would “Dad told me so..” be a good answer?)

In our case the girl said she had chosen Sanskrit because it portrayed the Indian culture. Well, a good answer, everyone thought. But then came the googly, “Recite one sloka you have studied.”

(What? How can any person remember any bit from the studies when apparently all students had mugged up everything before their exam!)

5. What do you want to do in your life?

(I mean, is this necessary? Would one be allowed to if she wishes to study Hotel Management and work with the hotels? Or would one be allowed to if she says she wants to do Phd at the JNU or in any university, outside the state?)

6. How do you celebrate the festivals? Do you know how many kinds of pithas are made during the Lakshmi Puja?

(How many kinds of pithas? Is this 1995? Wait for 5 more years, you parents.)

7. Do you know how to cook? Would you be able to if a large number of guests arrived suddenly?

(Okay, why don’t you marry your son to Tarla Dalal then?)

8. What are your hobbies?

(If one says anything about music, then the next question is to sing a good song. I hope someone someday sings, “Hum bhi hain josh mein, baatein kar hosh mein..” What if someone would say she loves watching serials of Ekta Kapoor? We might as well hear, “Hamari shaadi ho chuki hai amma!”)

The questions finished. “Okay, we will think.”

(Did anyone by chance think the surging emotions in the girl’s mind? Huh, forget it, many won’t understand.)

In my view, only those people who are moron enough so as to not being able to find their life partners, deserve this shit. Many people give a shitty argument that parents know best and we should trust them. Well, my message to such 'still warped in 19th century' pricks is simple: they might know the best but ultimately only we know how big a screw up we are. And that’s why only we can find an equal screw up for ourselves.. not our parents. All they will do is find someone THEY like. And choosing our life partner ourselves (a “selfish behavior”) isn’t a disrespect to anyone. Its just simple respect for our own god-damn minds.

Arranged marriages are basically a big gamble. Well I agree that most love marriages end disastrously, but disasters do not take place in arranged marriages because the couple respects their parents and doesn’t want to unleash insomnia at them by declaring their so called relation unsuccessful. The result, they adjust for their whole lives. Most importantly, you don’t know who you are getting. The guy/girl in question will always be at their best behavior. And please, they won’t EVER tell you about their past flings.

If you ain’t intelligent enough to find a life partner and if you are the obedient “19th century family son” then wait till you get a bundle of your parent’s choice and then live with it for the rest of the life. Else, if you have a semblance of self-respect, then please go out and meet new persons, and if you found out some big screw up as you are, then NEVER EVER let him/her go away from you.

In my case, I want my mirror image in my partner, with a little bit of practicality. She should be instinctive and freedom loving(discounting the half-sleeve top and mini skirt types). And I am NOT marrying until I find the right one.

And again, this doesn’t mean I am disrespecting my parents or any one. I am, just, different. And those who don't understand me, go to hell.

Feel free to comment.